I was out shopping, and had managed to get most of my groceries loaded into the cart. I had picked up an extra-huge package of toilet paper because I didn’t feel like bearing the burden of using paper towels for a while. I had finished there, and went to the toothpaste aisle. I was needing a few new toothbrushes, and brushed myself past a few people as I approached them.

I had stooped over slightly to look at the bristle toughness. I typically went with mediums, and was looking for them. I found them. Then, out of nowhere, I stood still, and my mind wandered to points more recently in my life, within the last few years.

I started thinking about our evening routine. I’d always been ready for bed before she was. She’d spend a few moments turning off the last of the lights and ensuring the AC was set to an acceptable temperature before she’d walk into the bedroom, close the door and shut off the lights before sauntering into bed, satisfied with the fact that she was going to sleep.

We always had this routine once we were in bed. I’d lay on my back for a bit, and it’d give us time to talk and reminisce about other things through the day, or that had happened prior. She’d sling her leg over mine as we laid there for a bit. Even there, it was obvious how much bigger I was to her, as she fit almost between my shoulders and knees.

After a while, I’d need to lay on my side to really feel comfortable enough for sleep, and she’d wiggle in right beside me. She was always the big spoon.

And then it stopped. I was once again looking at the toothbrushes, and grabbed two off the shelf for good measure before I continued on. But my rhythm had been completely disrupted. I was wandering aimlessly through the store, my body stupidly avoiding the exit when I needed to find some brief space to let it out. I finally gathered my wits, and made my way to the register to check out.

But by the time I had loaded everything into the truck, it had receded. That need for an outlet had gone as quickly as it had come, and I had to wait for the next time my mind decided to pull up these feelings from the past for me to process. It has been this way for a while, and my mind never seems to want to do this when I have some time to myself. It is frustrating. I can’t get it all out.

So I come home, put the groceries away and watch another episode of Deep Space Nine. I’ve had little time for anyone else, much less myself. So naturally, I try to keep to myself in the event that another surge of memories happens. Sure, sometimes the timing is right and it comes when I am all alone and I can let it out. But it’s rare. Even more rare is the time.

Work has been hammering me quite a bit lately, and I am feeling mentally drained. I want to just spend a few weeks out, alone on the road in another country to really process all of this. I want to put it all behind me, but I can’t because of money, timing and work. I might move to Seattle soon.

I think the first order of business when I get there, is getting lost in the forest for a few days so I can finally hear myself.